Total Eclipse of the Soul

An eclipse allows for a rare experience of two energies ever so temporarily fused, creating a disorienting experience of diffused light that opens a window to the soul. Likewise, the surely somewhat temporary, uncanny alignment of time, resources, and social support that have allowed me to make some progress towards straightening myself out are surely temporary, and I want to keep making progress so long as this personal eclipse lasts.

There is no success without sacrifice. I’ve been so angry at those who would save me and who are themselves hypocrites. I had likewise condemned the ‘Jesus Christ pose’ of the would-be saviors. That analysis leaves no room for those who actually can save me or help me along life’s road, it’s a path of not just individuality but also of radical isolation. That line of exploration found its end in a much unexpected place: the re-discovery of saviors and my faith in them after thoroughly stabbing and mutilating my old idea of Saviors. For the older, truly wiser that have something to teach me. It’s not the case that anyone who slings advice my way qualifies — in fact the vast majority of advice I’ve received or given could have used a much healthier dash of humility from the giver.

And learning requires faith in the technique of the teacher. Culture, that is obtaining any mastery over Nature, any legacy beyond brute subsistence foraging requires faith. In what are we placing that faith? Ideology and self-righteousness, mostly.

Thus the connection to my last post. As I’ve begun to advance from level 4 [1] to level 3 on the ‘Type 4’ Enneagram hierarchy, I’ve felt a self-revealing impulse that has led to these recent posts. My past self isn’t dying easily, and the blame and projecting are screaming at me to go back to where its safe behind the Mask of Ideology. If they knew the way I’ve been self-disclosing, many in my life would probably encourage me to go back behind the mask where its safe for employability. But it’s never actually been safe for me there, despite well-meaning advice. It’s been quite dangerous; leaving me less able to face with honesty and growing strength the dragons in life’s path that don’t go away just because you have a mask on. Pain and suffering will happen whichever way I choose. Will I face it with fundamentalism of conservative, liberal, socialist, libertarian, evangelical fervor? Or with the courage to become who I am?


[1] (though frequently 5,6, and occasionally 7/8)



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