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The tragic vibe

The Oral typology means I am one of those especially affected by overcast weather and the like, plus I forgot to take my vitamins and such. So despite being generally equanimous as I did something with friends and then went on a date, there was just no shifting into a ‘fun vibe.’ Sleep patterns have been off too, and grandma in hospital and all. Any time you hear “be kind to yourself” at the end of a date that means there won’t be a second one, but it was a success in many ways.

First, I was able to appreciate as I drove home how my attachment style, while frustrating as hell to deal with and a frequent respect/infatuation killer, doesn’t necessarily make me less likeable, which is what counts for building community, friendships, and even workplace harmony. That really sunk in. Now, the reality that on a biological level I need the respect piece in certain workplace and romantic power dynamics remains true, but I can still appreciate all the many blessings of being the way that I am right now even as I heal the attachment style. For one, I really focused on her. Too much, with too little awareness of times of myself and my own body, as usual, but there is a benefit to that in that I was at least present with her; that’s something that intense desire to attach/connect brings.

I have thought of myself as having two main gears personality wise into which to sublimate feelings and be able to be present for others — energetic/confident (hopefully not too manic), and composed/holding space. I think I’m going to need to welcome a third – tragic & open, rather than the encourager in my holding space persona, the window of sorts to the soul. It’s similar to holding space but different, and it’s my best option when having a mildly depressive date as trying to shift into holding space just saw the sad feelings leak out in an incongruous manner. Instead, I could have owned them even more than I did — an uncommon persona strategy, sure, but worth trying. I really do think I’m in touch with death in a good way now that I’ve made my peace with these states (and have the social support and health to experience it as a normal fluctuation of my personality/body that need not intensify or last too long), and that very in-touchness could be…quite useful.

It’s the Roy Orbison appeal. I could of course be way off on this but my deep emotional sense was that there was some excitement early in the date between us, and that later in it she may have been legitimately ready to open up about her experiences with men and consent, and that this may have been a window into a deeper connection for us (that’s not every date, just how the flow of this one went for some reason). But, before she had a chance to respond, I reassured her she didn’t have to, which came from an anxious-attached woman-pleasing place and, I think, made it much less likely for her to trust me as I needed instead to be a bulwark of either solidity or openness, and solidity isn’t available when I’m sad, so I must be confident in the openness move. Had I let go of outcome more and just owned that I was going to be sad that evening, rather than trying to amp myself up into the holding space state of being, I think in that moment I would have been able to hold the tenderness that would have allowed her to feel safe sharing that rather than speak up. Speaking up to reassure her in the way that I did was really more a hesitation that I could handle what she might have to say. It addressed my own anxious attachment needs and my own need to feel like I was holding space in control. It really felt like she was about to before I intervened. I could be wrong, but I think not. Those crucial moments really do make or break attraction in my opinion. I have randomly/haphazardly gotten them right in the past, but I really am slooowly starting to get a handle on creating the conditions for them to arise spontaneously with much greater frequency.

And of course the crazy thing about anxious attachments is during this two-month dating experiment, I have lots of other irons in the fire and on deck, and yet still, during the date, it’s all about getting too wrapped up in her. But, I really can feel the shift with each one of these, and I don’t think I’m making it up; the frequent practice is helping the lessons compound, especially in the body. So yay for the chance to do all this and try to make good use and enjoyment of my privilege, which is about all I feel one can do with a life.

 

 

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On patience

I run in a lot of circles and am drawn to a lot of activities that encourage me to come down and practice patience. And I can see where I have inherited impatient tendencies in certain realms that do not serve me. But largely, the seedling of this patience, so nurtured as it is by the soil of all these influences and the water of their speech, is not the one I want to fertilize with my own focus and attention. I’ll let the patient, introverted nature of the circles I run in take care of that without conscious effort of my own.

Patience as a virtue out of its bounds says ‘tomorrow’, ‘tomorrow’. It’s the attitude I’m tempted to hide in when life gets challenging under the guise of patience and spirituality. And I guess if I had to put my finger on this thing that bothers me about this persistent patience advice, its this tedency to coddle inaction. I’m not sure if I valorize Oliver Sacks for his patience with love so much as I see it as an outgrowth of the weaknesses he chose to let fester so that he could continue to hone other strengths; possibly a good move on his journey, but not necessarily something to be copied as some kind of guideline for life. How many lovers, or how deep a love, did he miss out on due to his patience, and how might they have inspired him to greater heights or different experiences?
Moments when ‘there is no tomorrow’ are NOT the time to practice patience. It’s not out of patience that Rocky says ‘tomorrow’, but out of fear. There is no tomorrow, but only today to confront today’s challenges and be changed by today’s pressures. The mindful thing to do is not to stolidly return to subdued presence, but to find something inside that’s truly willing to wrestle with life, to work with it, make something of it. Oftentimes, that may mean holding an emotion and working with it rather than just dumping it or acting on it unconsciously, which is one of my growth edges right now, but that’s different than say ignoring it and hoping it works itself out, i.e. repression i.e. “patience”.
It means holding the relationship differently, to go through the attitudinal “you’re not yourself when you’re hungry, grab a Snickers” shift that kicks me out of old ways of Being and into spacious passion.
With relationship, I don’t plan on rushing into anything, for that would be to act out of my anxious-ambivalent attachment, nor do I wish to take the easy way out by just taking years off for personal development, community building, career development, etc. I find the practice of dating in as conscious a way as possible an important piece of inspiration, energy, and practice. Some do the wait for the perfect moment and for someone to drop from the sky and it works out, but the path I was drawn to encourages me to view the process itself as helpful, even indefinitely so, rather than as a something to be shunned in favor of some superior way of it happening more passively or by luck/chance. Now, along the way, within the practice of making the right actions and continuing to put myself out there, patience is of course required and tested and developed, but not through this ‘Patience philosophy of life’ that wouldn’t enter the game at all, no its patience within the game, while embracing the process/challenge.
With spiritual practice, my morning grounding is my effort to properly ground all my considerable energy before I go about my day, but I’m finding that coming ‘up’ throughout the day is serving me so much better than the ‘chill out now’ that Consensus Buddhism, my former martial arts community and many other well-meaning folks encourage in me.
With work, its shaking off the considerable temptation to imposter syndrome and passivity that, due to the inherent pressure of certain situations, is bound to get triggered from time to time, and coming back into the mixture of self-respect, confident energy, and focus that can lead to a flow state and to effective productivity through work-life integration/balance.
Where this all gets complicated is in nurturing right action in myself and others. The desire not to coddle leads to Fromm’s Bad Dad, conditional love (drawing the best out of a child) not properly tempered with enough unconditional love (you are perfect as you are) to actually help the child confront the world. That overly tough/pushy motivation style never has worked for me, and people sense that and are then very gentle with me, struggling to find the right balance and leaning to the unconditional side so that my shame is not on their hands. The challenge for me to give myself, and then hopefully others, is that encouraging spirit, that way of being with someone that speaks with a felt love so unconditional it pushes forward towards the conditional through an unconditional passion for developing that person’s autonomy. Otherwise, that desire not to shame someone leaves them deprived of the push to ever grow, and thus be less prone to shame. The other person needs to feel that unconditional love behind the encouragement towards conditional goals. Before I can provide that, or in order to provide that encouragement more and more effectively to others, the first task for me is to get my own house in order. To not merely lean on the unconditional love that is the bedrock and foundation of self-esteem, but to build the earned respect/love out of that foundation through continuing to engage, with passion (not just go through the motions), all of the practices that will draw this out in me.
What this right action looks like often becomes clear when I step into a place of “Warrior energy”. One very wise individual encouraged us to take up gardening to develop patience; while gardening calls to me somewhat to work with the earth, it’s exactly what I don’t need. It would encourage a quiet, contemplative approach that would yet again leave me on the defensive, unable to bring the full weight of my gifts to bear and giving various excuses as to why that’s ‘not me’ to be more assertive and active. No, because I have patience in spades in many ways, the challenge is to continually bring that patience in when I least am apt to or want to, because doing that requires boundaries. Boundaries are Warrior energy in the King/Lover/Warrior/Magician model. I’ve kept developing the Magician within me throughout my life; Lover appears to be my strongest energy and has been unleashed as I’ve grown over the past year with some dramatic & interesting but uneven consequences. So my growth areas to become a more well-rounded person are King and Warrior, and I’m really drawn to King because its subdued, it’s the realm of patient decision-making that brings all the manic energy of the Lover and the unending possibility of the Magician to a head and makes wise choice in a specific situation. I need plenty of that, but I probably need the boundary-setting energy of the Warrior a lot more, loathe as I often am to admit or embrace this because its so foreign to my self-concept.
It’s the energy with which I hold vulnerability, then, that makes all the difference. It’s my opinion that though Millennials are oft disdained for oversharing, we’d be better off leaning into that oversharing place, but with a more mature energy. The patience of a King to make the right decision, sure, but with the fierce self-respect of a warrior ready to gnash teeth if it comes to it. Instead of kowtowing or getting defensive when this emerging vulnerability is shared, better to both stand firm as if the criticism doesn’t matter and is misguided (King) and at the same time be prepared for a scuffle from the entrenched, misguided habits of the older generations (Warrior). It’s harsh, but the kind of ‘dumping’ vulnerability that is off-putting is off-putting because it comes from a place of weakness and underconfidence in one’s self and one’s place in the community and universe, which emanates out to others. A warrior-king’s vulnerability is deeply confident, even if scary to experience, and takes the form of an active patience, one that’s actually ready to jump on the right moment rather than a false patience that’s really better termed as sleepwalking, the eternal, unending patience, the victimhood, the putting off of the now to ‘tomorrow’.
From that place, I hope I can understand and stand up for truth, and then I will be ready, as I increasingly learn how to do so, to actually try and tackle some of the problems of the world, to (re)enter the arena of social change actually having something to offer rather than doing as much damage as I heal. And that, for me, is the right energy of resistance as I now understand it — a patient but “up” psychological state, ready for action, prepared, connected, and wise.

Ventura girl

Picturing you.
With that golden smile lit up by a golden sunset in the Golden State.
A Ventura sunset isn’t something you put on a postcard.
It isn’t a Santa Barbara sunset, picture perfect but full of itself.
It’s off to the side, it casts an uncanny light.
The breeze is always just a little too cold, but its perfect because of that.
I never did get to see you in your hometown, but I can imagine it so clearly.
Your kiss felt too good to be true.
It wasn’t. It was just what it was supposed to be.
Thank you for helping me believe in myself, really see myself in this new light.
My Ego wants to possess you, and that’s why I couldn’t hold you.
I release my grasping after you, and send you all the goodwill in my heart, my Ventura girl.
——————————————-
—————————————–
[just to clarify the timeline, I met her in North Carolina, in Feburary].

Undefended Love notes

“Despite the evidence that remembering our essential self provides the only permanent satisfaction, the temptation to sleepwalk through life, until we hit a wall that forces us to wake up, is immense. For this reason, many doubt they can meet the challenge of undefended love. Postponement is a numbing agent…we put ourselves off until some later time that we secretly hope will never come…every emotional state can be an entry point to an intimate experience of ourselves and another if we can learn to recognize it and make use of it.”

I want…to get

  • support…confidence
  • acceptance…ease
  • validation…permission

Personality serves as a way of protecting the inner self from whatever it feels is dangerous or not-self, and prevents the full expression of human potential. For me,

I want to experience myself as I want to avoid feeling When I transcend this into Essence, I experience
Special/unique ordinary Contentment
open/available unworthy Equanimity
compassionate insufficient Discernment
emotionally expressive cold Compassion
 attractive(?) missing note too much Beauty

Unhealthy dependency vs. healthy closeness

  • Unhealthy dependency
    • partner has the power to make us feel good/bad
    • partner’s needs put us out of touch with ourselves
    • want partners to change
  • Personality-centred living (“getting my needs met”)
    • safety
    • comfort
    • control
  • Second stage marriage (my term, appropriating David Deida here)
    • reciprocity
    • entitlement
    • approval
    • consensus
    • trustworthiness
    • balance-of-power-infographicall about the balance of power

 

  • Healthy closeness: strong sense of ‘we’ & ‘us’. Checking in regularly emotionally
    • Relationship helps us restore our sense of wholeness
    • It DOES NOT make someone else responsible for our needs
    • It DOES NOT mean we look to them to make up for our feelings of inadequacy
    • We help each other recognize our own value
    • We don’t bolster each other – it’s about supporting each other’s personal growth journey
  • Undefended living
    • self-concepts are at stake
    • self-realization, not self-preservation
    • fully capable of responding to every situation flexibly, appropriately, compassionately
  • Healthy self-involvement
    • sustain interest in our vulnerabilities and the strategies that defend our selves
  • Third stage is relaxing the demand that our partners reciprocate everything.
    • By letting go of reciprocity, we free ourselves of the need for it.
    • When we are firmly rooted in our own personal value, our certainty that we are desiring remains unaffected whether or not we receive what we want. We are open-hearted and open-handed.
  • Disagreements
    • feel the distress — move towards emotional discomfort
    • no blind trust — close all exits such as…
      • intellectualize
      • leave
      • shut down
      • self-doubt
    • let your discomfort overwhelm your defences…let yourself feel what you have spent your whole life avoiding
      • when you get stuck, reconnect with your deepest desire (encouragement, for me). “Is what I’m doing nourishing or distracting me from that essential quality?
      • dissolve, don’t resolve issues. resist the temptation to fix or distract from what’s here and painful (often for both people, those really bad ones)

General Quotes/Notes

  • When we are inflexibly other-focused, we plummet into anger, resentment, disappointment – feeling mistreated & wounded. We then subdue our partners emotions. We hide who we are and become an extension of someone else’s identity.
  • Instead, experience and welcome feelings of unworthy, too much, insufficient. Feel them.
  • Experience the other person deeply. Delight in their golden essence rather than try to get something from them.
  • Closeness is initially created from agreements, but even from that strong foundation, which greatly surpasses what most before the Baby Boom generation were able to achieve, flatness is assured with time. “Undefended intimacy lies beyond the controlled connection that characterizes closeness.”
  • Both people develop the ability to express all parts of their being in relationship, with another person doing the same.
  • We are then able to merge with our partner without the loss of a sense of self.
  • “Self-indulgence short circuits healthy self-improvement in this arena.”
  • “We only begin to grow once we stop clinging to our demand that life function the way we want it to.”
  • “We trust our own capacity to meet whatever arises.”
  • “Undefended intimates are committed to using the crucible of relationship to develop their capacity to express their essential qualities more of the time, ultimately using their love for one another to keep them realizing a deep & unwavering experience of their essential self.”
  • Success doesn’t mean staying together. It means staying tethered to your deepest truth.
  • When triggered, we’ll experience all the previous stages of development as growth becomes challenged.
  • “Undefended partners do not conspire to eliminate emotional pain and uncomfortable feelings. Instead, they are allied with each other in learning to use whatever presents itself — disappointments, needs, resentments, trust — in ways that allow them to reveal their essence to themselves & each other.”
  • You can’t make the journey in our mind; the only way to develop an intimacy that is sustainable is to endure the distress that is evoked when we interrupt our emotional survival strategies.

Trajectory of personality defence needs (deepest wants) on the Undefended Love journey:

Need—>Want—>Desire—>Preference—>Non-Preference

Are you willing to sacrifice other needs or wants to know yourself as Peace (or fill in the blank essential characteristic of Being)? The same needs that tormented us for most of our lives become the parent we never had. 

What no man can own, no man can take

It’s not easy seeing the world and onself as clear as one can and owning your shit but also owning your potential. So often I’m focused one or the other. My Grammy is in the hospital, and my Mammaw has been too recently. I’m still afraid of being rejected and even more afraid of rejecting others. I despair over how fleeting are the moments and days when I successfully get ‘out of my head’ and ego, and how this seems to undermine many of my positive efforts as I go through life so…Attached. One thing I treasure though is the growing self-love within me as it increases throughout any circumstance, and as I take right actions, self-respect, too. I’ve taken enough advantage of my privilege that I’m far past where many people get to in a lifetime on that stuff, yet there are infinite directions to go as I try to build a useful & enjoyable life from which to dwell. Hopefully, too, to be of benefit to others after so many years of ignoring my problems and dwelling in that peculiar kind of low-grade loneliness & suffering that characterizes lots of middle class Americans. Even as I write this, I feel a subtle joy at life that has just enough pain to be real. I forget often, since I’ve had a lot of happiness recently, that love in its various forms feels most authentic when its not far from its counterpart, tragedy. May I embrace and own the many parts of myself that are wonderful, that I can take pride in, and may I not deprive others of that gift today, supporting my family from afar if I can. May I embrace and own the many parts of myself that are humiliating to look at and admit to, but whose ignorance costs me dearly again and again. Amen.  

Adventures in Dating

I’ve gone from viewing contemporary dating as this hellhole of immature non-commitment (which it is) to this opportunity for polyamorous exploration, creativity, and personal growth, a blessing of American/Western opportunity that I ought be grateful to have the chance to tackle. Growth point #1: I’m done with the asking permission thing, which I’ll go into later. Tonight, I yet again had another up-and-down first date, and yet again I was left with some feedback that I was tempted to sulk about and respond to in various unhelpful pouty ways. As I’m learning to do I instead released that pouty energy (that comes from being spoiled as a kid), felt the pain, the social skills I just haven’t learned, the experiences I just haven’t had yet, had self-compassion, cried it out quickly, and got to work moving forward. Moving forward means figuring out how to give myself what I need and to adapt both to be true to myself and give women ‘in general’ more of what they desire and will get them excited so that everybody wins, hopefully. There are great traits I have that keep winning me next dates in spite of the immature bits, but I’m improving the immature bits quite rapidly, I think it’s fair to say.

I’m done with the asking permission thing for now though. I’m exercising my autonomy and my actual experience to come to some conclusions about my use of it so far and will try a new way, a middle ground between toxic masculinity and what I’ve been trying, which has proven to: (with regards to holding hands, putting arms around, going in for kisses, etc etc):

  1. Create a bunch of problems and the wrong kind of awkwardness that makes it hard for me to stay confident, as it stirs up this idea that I’m weird and different both in me and my date, it does too much damage to my vibe to be worth whatever clarity it provides or whatever supposed fucking service I’m providing for my culture; I’ve done enough of that nice guy shit for a lifetime already. Energy is everything, and it would take a hell of a lot of work to pull off the gumption to do something that cuts against the social grain like that with the gusto that’s needed to buzzsaw through the social programming and get into a response to biological assertiveness. Since I have high EQ, I can more just trust that and take any minimal risks that would only come into play if I get it wrong AND she refuses to communicate her dislike/rejection AND manages to maintain an acting/fear performance that I can’t detect. Further, I can trust myself to change mid-stream, and instead of focusing my energy on the verbal (what do I say? when do I say it?!), I can stay completely focused on my own body and hers, leading to a better read on the situation anyway. Usually both are on point, these women are far more experienced than me as a general rule and aren’t afraid to tell me when they don’t want or like something, so I’ve largely been appeasing a phantom shy woman who doesn’t exist but in liberal fantasies and post-situation eyewitness mis-remembering power plays of bullshit (again not to invalidate the real terrible experiences out there for which I feel great empathy but to express anger at how extreme cases start to counter-productively portray all masculinity as toxic and how out of touch with reality certain mainstream liberal culture norms are). Now I may be dating some shy ones here coming up which may change the game, but again, just trust myself to be a good man and be natural. Sure sure different perceptions and all this and the verbal provides clarity, but it isn’t worth the bad vibes to check-in. I’d rather just stomach and recover from the awkward moment if I ‘go for it’ and its rejected, because by being more patient and remembering what the right moment feels like, rather than this frequent asking for permission, I think my chances feel much better. And I think if my energy is confident, and there are some light brushes of the back through a doorway or sitting next to someone on a couch and the like, it’s not going to be the same as what I fear, which is being the nice guy, making no physical contact for 3 dates, and then getting friend-zoned. Quite the contrary, the opportunities really do open up if the chemistry is really there, and typically on date 2. Hell one time date 2 went to the fucking stratosphere, so one take on this would just be to be patient and wait for that to happen again…that one really flowed so well…she gave subtle cues and I responded, I got too overly-reliant with the asking permission shit after that and it got me in my head, basically, way too much shit to think about.
  2. Signal that I am anxious and of the sort who doesn’t understand social rules, even though in reality, when I’m not getting in my own way with these ‘extra’ rules I let people put on me, increasingly I not only understand the ‘regular rules’ but am hyper-aware and skilled at manipulating them — its just that this desire to ‘check-in’ has gotten me in my head out of flow, and back to some of my old habits. This checking-in beavhior is actually reassuring to the women who are coming from a low social skills/low social value background like me, and its great and good for me that those women and I get explore that together and heal and get validated. BUT the ones I tend to really really desire already have their shit together in the social skills realm when it comes to cures (though not typically social assertiveness, strangely enough, as a common theme). Indeed, friends have commented that when I’m communicating comfortably, they truly can’t tell that I have a ‘weird’ background, it’s only when I put someone (woman, authority figure) on a pedestal, get flustered, and view myself as strange that I start to come off as strange. It’s a hard thing to actually believe, that that’s all there is too it, but that’s it, that’s the thing.
  3. At the deepest, most spiritual level, I can’t resist making ‘asking for permission’ into an escape mechanism of control. If I ‘ask’ that supposedly means I’m ‘doing it right’, which just gets me on the wrong track of nice guy “but I did the right thing, where’s my reward?!” bullshit. By forcing myself to read the moment, and leaning towards chilling and extreeemely subtle touch, I can trust my own sexual power to either draw them in or not, nothing’s forced. I can stop short of infantilizing or trivializing women while holding onto the notion that I trust my instincts and care for women, and that if things go wrong or misunderstandings happen, there’s a good chance it has to do with their goddamn fickle nature as much as my lack of social skills. Indeed, as I think about it, that’s the foundation I want sexuality and sexual energy to provide for the rest of my life, a life energy generated from exercising EQ confidently and feeling into situations with right action.

The idea here is not to ‘win’ anything or ‘manipulate’ anyone, but more…what do women (and men) really want? What really has gone wrong, and what solutions really do work instead of the unhelpful ways of relating? I tried one, and while it might work for some people, I’d like to try another way for a while. And of course, eventually one hopes that whether in conversations in between intimate and/or tense situations or during, any relationship I want will deepen its open communication, it’s more the idea of how one gets things off the ground; it’s obvious to me that eventually open communication is needed and that we should avoid the whole thing about people being together 20 years before they first communicate about what they want or like, that’s NOT the extreme intended here, it’s more that some people find open communication off-putting at the beginning or during a tense/romantic act. It does mean I need to be attentive to differentiate between those who might be down for open communication later/at some point but just prefer to test people (subconsciously, of course :) ) in this way or who are only comfortable with open communication with close friends and established intimates, versus those who are truly so ignorant as to not value it.

Oh and by the way, the feedback didn’t necessarily preclude a second date. If I decide to ask her on one!

This is all mostly for my own personal use, but seems harmless to share, especially for those lovely randoms that may come across this someday.

Psst. the song is ironic (well mostly. kind of.). In the long tradition of U2’s One being played at weddings (WTF it’s about divorce people!!!) and other nonsense, tons of people are waxing poetic to the virtues of love to this song in the youtube comments [facepalms, resolves not to look at youtube comments ever again].

A Conversation with my Anima

 

[1]

Sometimes I look back at something I journaled or documented awhile back and just marvel at how it lept ahead of where I was at the time and proved prescient. Because my self-confidence is on the rise, its no longer quite as shocking (or rare) to see this. I understand that my level of self-knowledge is always fluctuating, and when its ‘captured’ at a high/deep point there’s overlap with where I get to later more as a norm on the maturity path.

About six months ago I had a spontaneous journaling session “with my anima” that was really moving. While I always hold these things with some lightness, I really think I’ve now integrated my anima. The below wikipedia description couldn’t have described what I’ve been experiencing the past six months any better:

Jung believed anima development has four distinct levels, which in “The psychology of the transference” he named EveHelenMary and Sophia. In broad terms, the entire process of anima development in a man is about the male subject opening up to emotionality, and in that way a broader spirituality, by creating a new conscious paradigm that includes intuitive processes, creativity and imagination, and psychic sensitivity towards himself and others where it might not have existed previously.

I’ll share later a post of notes on Undefended Love, since I’ve so benefitted from random book notes on the internet posted by strangers on largely unread blogs (that’s not a joke). I wasn’t expecting to, but this past Monday I ended up experiencing the first ‘shift’ that book describes as I finally dealt with and held the energy of neediness around women instead of dumping it or expressing it in ways that distract me from addressing my core wounds. I faced the first stage of one and came out on the other side, which was a very intense emotional experience in learning to trust & love myself more deeply.

A song came to me yesterday afternoon that I really felt strongly would become the centerpiece of some kind of expression, and sure enough a nice test of my new found peace on this topic occurred later that day, leading to me putting it all together – the song, the anima journal, how I feel I’m moving forward – this morning.

This felt more subtly powerful and in control (of what I can actually control) than a lot of my artistic expression of the past 6 months, which is exactly what I’d expect if I’m truly in the ‘Sophia space’ now. It felt good, in an extremely equanimous way.

“A conversation with my Anima” (audio)

[1] Thanks Doug Savage, whoever you are.